Now I’m just depressed and hating my life for no damn good reason.
The more I grow, the more I let go of the insecurities of my body.
I have what I have been longing for: solitude.
I always wished I could sit alone in silence and just be. Unfortunately, in my family, they don’t believe in silence. Instead, the drowned out the thoughts with distractions. In order to sit in quasi-silence, I had to have my own loud distraction to keep me distanced from theirs.
So I never learned what it would be like to come home to an empty house and not feel like I had to do something. I thought I couldn’t sleep without a fan because I needed the noise, just like my mom “can’t” sleep without a TV.
The thing about me, though, is that I don’t want any crutches. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone or anything but myself. And while it seems I don’t have a clear point here, it all makes sense to me.
My mom can’t do anything without tv. If she didn’t smoke, take her EIGHT different prescription medications, drink soda, have my stepdad - the world would end.
I was becoming like her. Albeit, I needed other things, some less destructive, some more so. I needed my eating disorder and Travis - those were the two big ones.
I was literally manipulated by everyone in my life. My mom, who led me to believe I needed crutches, or how else would I survive? And Travis, who taught me that if I didn’t have him, my world would fall apart. After all, I was so fragile and helpless.
But I was never hopeless.
I had an idea of where I was going to turn up. I used to say, “I’m going to school, and I’m going to do it all. I’ll be a writer, a chef, a therapist, a teacher, a bum - I just want it all. I’ll backpack across Europe. I’ll find the ‘man of my dreams,’ and have lots of money and a big house. I’ll never get divorced. I’ll never sleep with someone I’m not in a relationship with and never ever before marriage. My kids will have nothing like my childhood.”
As I continue to mature, I know that I have a bumpy road ahead of me. I also know that the imagination of a thirteen year old does not equate to reality. I’ve gone against almost everything I believed in, but not because I’m out of control - I’m wise in all that I do, even when I mistakes.
You know how kids always say, “When I turn eighteen, I’ll have a job and move out of my parents’ house?” I said that too. My way out was college - and, mind you, I got there with little support from my mother and Travis - because I didn’t need them to say what was “best” for me. I digress.
The morning I left home for school, I never looked back. I can count the number of times I’ve been home in the last year, even though I was only forty minutes away. Four.
I have no reason to go back. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be around their resentment toward me for leaving home in hopes of better. I can’t be around all the memories of Travis. I can’t be in the home I spent all of high school in because it hurts too much. Even being in the town makes my heart ache.
But it’s okay. I abandoned bad for better, and I’m making my way just fine. Change is uncomfortable, but in every decision in the last year that I’ve made, I’ve adjusted with ease. Europe? Best time of my life. Coming back to the States? Bummer. Going to college? Read above. Moving into my own apartment?
Okay, you caught me there - I was a little nervous. Only because there are bills to be paid, and while I have a decent job, I’m going to be strapped for cash all summer, but I’ll be okay. Why? Because I have a plan, like always. I have a savings account. I’m fine.
I guess I don’t have a point here, so much…
I think I just love the incremental changes, like stepping stones, I’m making in life. I’m progressing more away from the person I used to be and becoming the person I knew I’ve been underneath.
The only thing haunting me is that I’m happy now, but I know how this goes. It’s cyclical. In a few weeks, I’ll be sitting in this spot wishing to walk into oncoming traffic.
I can handle that because I know that nights like these must be around the corner then. Nights where the only noise echoing in my apartment is the ticking of the clock from my kitchen.
There is nothing to be afraid of; I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
“love everything you’ve always loved”
findinghappinessandhealth asked: is your apartment near your school? the colors are so bright and inspiring! :)
Yep! I’m about fifteen minutes from work and twenty to twenty-five from work.
Thank you! I wanted colors that made the space I have look light, airy, and fun. It’s all coming together! I’m just waiting on my mattress (I have a pull-out sofa) and a table! I’ll take more pictures when I’m completely settled!
Living alone. This is going to be fantastic.
I’m living in a simple small town, and I love it. It’s a new chapter in my life, and I couldn’t be happier right now.